Have you thought about Dating After Divorce? A great philosopher was once asked the meaning of life. He said that the greatest truth about life could be explained in three simple words;
“It goes on!”
But you already know that don’t you? And frankly, if you are reading this post, then life isn’t going very smooth for you at all lately. A divorce is not a little league baseball championship that you still wish to flaunt over your cupboard, and it is something that you carry for the rest of life inside you like an ugly scar!
However, this post is all about telling you that life goes on, and you must have the confidence in your own self to get back out there again!
Before going to the analysis of dating after divorce, let’s try to understand how did it happen?
How Did Divorce Happen?
Oh, please don’t be alarmed; I am not asking you to recount the events of your divorce. For some, it can be as frightening as their worst nightmares. No, you don’t have to recount those events. Remember, that’s already past!
No, here we are going to learn how to look forward in life and give love and marriage another chance. But for that, we need to consider the beginning of your first relationship because that is where we can learn about your emotional orientation or root.
Here, I am listing some scenarios, and I believe you can relate to any of them as your own past:
Dating Apps/ Social Media
I am listing this one at the top because this is the most popular option these days, and believe it or not, the divorce rate of couples between the ages of 25-35 is a lot higher these days.
So maybe one friend request or a right swipe was all that needed to get the thing started. If your story matches this scenario, try to keep in mind the time frame between the first long chat and the first date.
Also Read: How to tell love from a crush
Marriage Portals
This is another popular option these days, and a lot of people look for their perfect match here on these websites. Now, there is nothing wrong with looking for a partner online, but you must keep in mind that not all marriage sites are created equal.
There will always be a catch, and sometimes people put up information about them without really reflecting on them.
A Friend Acted as a Mutual
This is perhaps the most common scenario. You are sitting on the couch of some not-so-happening house party, and someone introduces you to this lovely lady or man, and you felt that love at first sight exists. Or at least, you felt now the party looks a bit more happening.
Almost immediately, you connect on multiple things, and you don’t make a mistake to take her number just when everyone started to push off one by one.
The rest, as they say, is history. A few weeks later, you walk into the same kind of party; the only difference is that you are a couple this time.
Chance Encounter at a Pub
The Friday night was nothing special, and you were minding your business near the bar with a beer when suddenly your eyes met with another pair. You sense the vibe and muster the courage to walk up to her and strike a conversation.
After the first couple of minutes, both of you realize that the music is a bit too loud and you wish to go someplace a bit quiet. The next day, you have a coffee date, and there was no looking back after that!
These are just some of the most common scenarios where your story might have started. But if you had a different beginning, then fret not because now you have the same kind of end at least. In every scenario mentioned or not mentioned above, one thing will inevitably be common; there was a huge deal-breaker.
Maybe it was some promise that was not kept, or maybe it was a secret that was too big to be concealed in the first place. Have you always been very picky or a bit too possessive?
The reasons can be many, but we are not here to examine all that or dissect your marriage life. Because it is already past and you are to start something new!
But revisiting those initial days in your mind-palace may help you anticipate some classic drawbacks you might have had or still have. These things must be avoided at all costs before you start something fresh!
What is the Biggest Factor in Dating after a Divorce?
Time! Yes, a lot of time has passed since you have been in this phase last time. Change is the only constant, as you may have heard it. Even without realizing it, we change each and every day little by little from the inside, and we get accustomed to certain things and develop certain nuances.
A relationship is a living and breathing thing. Hence, it is bound to leave an impact on us. So, you are not the person you used to be five, ten, or fifteen years ago.
Not only you but the things and people around you have changed as well. For the first time in the last fifteen years, you are single again. This fact will take time to sink in, and you need to give yourself that time.
You are a different person due to your age, and your sense of responsibility has perhaps also changed because you are a father/mother now. Parenting can change a lot of things. Most divorced men and women fail to give their dating life a second chance because of this constant shift of roles.
It will be difficult and time-consuming to balance the role of a boyfriend/girlfriend and a mother/father.
You need to give yourself that time and be patient with yourself. In this scenario, your partner can play a vital role as well. But more on that part later.
First, you must have to come to terms with your own self and accept this time-consuming process.
Prepare Yourself for a Fresh Start
It is more mental than physical, trust me. Even most of the therapists will tell you the same thing. You must first accept the situation at hand and prepare yourself for a fresh start.
You have to believe that life is worth more than just a nasty divorce, and there’s always more to life than anything else. To make it simple for you, I am listing a few points you can jot down mentally every time you feel exhausted with your current phase:
Stop Alcohol and Smoking
Stop making alcohol and smoking an escape route. It may sound too over the top but succumbing to alcohol and other kinds of addiction is perhaps the lamest excuse of all to ease the pain. The moment you start mending your heart with reason and sensibility, these external components will no longer matter.
Come to terms with your age
Come to terms with your age and consider the odds. Remember, with every divorce, and both parties become single again. So, there is no need to think that you have moved past the age of dating again. Love is never bound to any age group. There is more than one example of that.
Try to communicate
If your child is not a toddler, try to communicate what you are feeling inside but with caution. It is imperative that your child feel okay with your new dating life. Most divorced children tend to be very sensitive to these matters, so you have to take extra caution. However, once you manage to get this one sorted, the rest of the road will be much less tiresome.
Genuinely through with your past relationship
Make sure you are genuinely through with your past relationship. Quite frankly, you need to get over her. There’s no need to excommunicate her from your life because your child will still need the other half of his/her parents, but mentally you should not be attached to your ex before jumping into dating. Time is crucial here once again.
Consult a therapist
If needed, you can always consult a therapist before starting dating someone or even setting up your account once again in dating apps. A therapist can help you discover the sides of your personality relevant to your dating. Both the charming quality and the off-putting ones. It will help you get a good start with the first date.
Have a Plan B
Always have a PLAN B! This is an absolute must, not just to get through a divorce but to get through with your life in the days to come. Don’t make a second marriage your goal too soon. A new relationship can prosper into a second marriage, but you need to give it the required time to bloom it properly.
Take your last relationship as an experience to learn from. A plan B will always help you sustain yourself financially and emotionally. If you have children from the divorce, then this is all the more necessary not just for you but also for your child’s future.
How to Go about with Your Dating Life?
Once these things are sorted, you can focus on going back out there and giving love another chance. Here, I am listing a few tips to help you get started.
Take it Slow on the First Go
No, I am not talking about slow and steady wins the race. But if you wish to take inspiration from that fable, you are allowed to do so, at least for your first date. Don’t rush into things just because you have met someone really nice after a long time. Many popular sitcoms call this a relationship hangover (Try watching How I Met Your Mother; many exciting takes on relationship and dating).
Remember that you are just back into the game; no one is expecting you to make a move tonight. Your date, on the other side, might not be looking for something very serious at the current moment. Just have a good meal and a healthy conversation over a cup of coffee or wine.
It is always well-advised to keep your judgments back at home before going on your first date after a divorce.
Stay grounded, focus on your life goals, family and wait for things to unfold before you. Frankly, you are way past the age of jumping to conclusions on the very first night.
It is Called Chemistry and Not Long-Term Connection
You have been lonely and forsaken for a long time now, and finally, you are sitting with someone you can really connect with. That’s great! So, just enjoy the chemistry on the first couple of dates or hangouts.
Don’t misinterpret chemistry with long-term connections. The chemistry might only be apparent because you are only discussing like-minded topics. Don’t look for immediate sparks; instead, look for slow burns.
The key is not to have a quick and immediate fling after a few months of lonesome nights. Finding compatibility should be the key here, which may not happen before a certain time. Wait for that compatibility to grow naturally over time and mutual experience.
A Bit Too Perfect doesn’t Exist
Yeah, I know what you are thinking. This advice is absolutely self-contradictory. But trust me; one shouldn’t count on someone who appears to be the perfect match on every box on the list.
Just because you have again started dating in your late 40s again doesn’t mean you are absolutely immune to false commitments or control freaks. Maybe the man seems super nice and offers you expensive gifts right from the beginning, or maybe the woman is all about early commitment, and saying “I want to be with you” ten times a day doesn’t mean you have to be like La Vie En Rose!
The harsh reality indicates that these people can often turn out to be frauds or absolute control freaks, ready to make you feel claustrophobic the moment you let down your guards. In either case, you will again land up in the same kind of mess you were a few months ago.
Always check with some friends or relatives to have an outside perspective about the current state of things. Trust me; even the best of us can become blind sometimes!
Never Speak Ill of Your Ex or Past
What happened in the past is strictly personal to you and you only. A common friend or a family member might be an excellent choice to discuss the nitty-gritty of that relationship, but definitely not your new date.
Not only might it bore or irritate them after a certain point in time, but it can surely demean your past relationship and your ex before an absolute stranger. Plus, it is not wise to show your vulnerable side to your new date so soon. It is not wrong to feel vulnerable at times but wasn’t the reason for which you are giving love a second chance?
If the other person has also been through a rough relationship, it is not wise to lecture him/her with respect to your own experience. Remember, he/she is also trying to have a new start, and they have probably spent some big bugs listening to such lectures from a therapist.
Instead, talk about music instead of the weather or anything you like. The idea is not to leave a remarkable impression at first but not leave a wrong impression on the first go.
Bad mouthing your ex or describing horrendous episodes from your stormy marriage is a big NO-NO!
Don’t Lean too Much on the Types Anymore
Like I have mentioned before, a lot of time has passed since you have been on a date. Your age has moved on quite a bit, and you are a different man/woman now, both from inside and outside. So, revisiting the old types may not be a sage idea now.
I don’t mean to say that you have limited options now, so you cannot be too choosy. But judging a relationship with your old standards and codes is not right since you yourself might fall short on their basis.
Try to be open to choice without getting too persuaded by expectations. I know it is easier said than done, and you practically need to be a sage to be like that, but then again, you are no less than a wise monk yourself, having gone past the arch once before.
Be Open about Your Financial State and Future Plans
If you want a new relationship to work out, you have to eliminate the potential deal-breakers on the very first go. Remember the part where I asked you to reflect on the initial days of your first relationship? This is where that knowledge will come into play.
Talk through and through about the things that must not be kept as a secret. If you are in early or late 40s or 50s, you must consider the financial state of your life and how it might get affected your future plans.
Your potential partner should be aware of all these ideas and thoughts, and it must happen from both ends. A retirement plan is a relevant question at this age, and one must be transparent about the accounts and holdings.
If you have something specific in mind post-retirement or with your child, then this is the time to divulge all that.
No matter how hard it may look, being transparent is the key to a successful second inning of your life with someone new.
Discuss the Matter about Your Kid Openly
One of the major deal-breakers in a new relationship like this can be the divorce child. It is perfectly possible that your partner may not be ready to be a relationship who part-time dad and part-time boyfriend or vice versa.
Even if it is hard on you, this question must be posed in a downright manner, and your partner is expected to speak his/her out. The same thing is applied to you as well.
You must ask yourself if you are ready to balance between these two contradictory roles. Nurturing a healthy, loving relationship and helping your kid with homework are two very different things, and when required to do one after the other, the whole ordeal can seem quite challenging.
But if you are fortunate enough to meet someone who is willing to give this thing a chance, things can be pretty smooth. The chemistry of your partner with your child can strengthen your relationship as well, and it can lead its way to a successful marriage of souls.
Draw a Map for Dating after Divorce
Where do you want to see yourself in this relationship?
This is a very important question to ask yourself after the initial few days. It will help you keep unnecessary expectations at bay and focus on the things that are of top priority to you.
Maybe the first date after your divorce will not work out as planned, but thanks to this clear roadmap, you can rescue your soul from feeling damped and head on for something new.
This map for life is not just for a relationship but is essential for your life post-divorce. It can also help you with some insights that you never had before. Many people suffer from complete disorders in their lives after divorce. But a clear plan in front of you can pull out the beauty of life amidst all the chaos.
What Remains?
Lastly, the most important advice of all is never to lose faith in yourself!
Life may not always be very rewarding to us all, but that doesn’t mean we need to throw away this gift. Suicide or succumbing to addiction is never an answer to get rid of the pain acquired from a nasty divorce.
Your age cannot hinder your path to peace and love; only your mind can! So just have faith in yourself, trust your instincts and go out there to give love another chance.
Cheers to Life and Love!
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