Can You Be Friends with Your Ex? Let’s learn all about it!
A relationship can have myriad layers!
It is not always easy for us to actually decipher all the layers and understand the depth of our relationship. This is why when we get out of one relationship, and it becomes difficult for us to figure out the future after that.
Letting someone go can be a difficult experience. It’s difficult to accept that the person who was once your most significant friend can quickly turn into an acquaintance and a part of your wishes you could salvage parts of the relationship.
If you just had a bad breakup, you might feel really discouraged about the possibility of a future relationship with your ex. However, if you both are willing to put forth the effort, friendship is still possible. Regardless of how things ended, we will give you a few tips for moving forward and having a good relationship with your ex.
You likely share many memories with someone you’ve been dating for quite some time. Remembering those moments isn’t easy to put in the back of your mind. Getting over the past can be difficult. That might be their way of hanging on to the good old days.
Can You Be Friends with Your Ex?
Many people become greatly confused as to whether they should remain friends with their ex or not. Guess what this post is exactly about that. Here, we will be discussing if you can stay in touch with your ex or not and if it will ever work.
The Problems:
This discussion would not have arrived if things were very simple. Staying friends with your college crush or just about anyone else is very much different from staying friends with your ex.
Back step after you have gone very far ahead
Most describe this as taking a back step after you have gone very far ahead. This makes it seem impossible to many. But apart from this mental turmoil, there are some other problems as well. If you really wish to stay friends with your ex, then you have to consider these aspects first. I am listing a few of them below:
It may seem to you as consolation
Friendship is something that should not have any options or conditions. It should have a kind of spontaneity that is unparalleled in any other relationship. That is why it is considered as one of the most beautiful relationships. But when your relationship has already traveled far ahead from friendship and touched the beautiful heights of love, it becomes difficult to come back to friendship. For some, it may seem like a consolation prize since you have failed to attain love in the first place.
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Going down the same rabbit hole
Going down the sa Even after declaring the relationship as over, both of you might feel the temptation of getting physically close again. Maybe you are not sleeping with him, but you just cannot get the thought out of your head. Because of that, you might just end up kissing him again. The bottom line is, you just cannot get over him/her ever. Believe it or not, but will be quite emotionally taxing for you.
Constantly doubting if he/she is dating again can become an illness for you
Many people, after quitting a relationship, become obsessed with their ex’s future or current plans. This is why you will never be able to have a normal friendship with your ex. Hence, instead of going through all this mental turmoil, most simply choose to sever all connections with their ex.
At least one of you still has some feelings for the other.
Needless to say, it can indefinitely increase confusion and even hurt you a lot. If you still possess feelings for your ex, then it is better not to stay in touch with your ex at all.
Challenging to separate
It becomes challenging for you to separate yourself because you don’t know what to do without your former partner. Sometimes, we create our world around our lovers, and our world only revolves around them. So when they leave, we don’t understand how to get in terms with that. If you still have this kind of dependence on your past relationship, then it is better not to invest any further time in that. You must give yourself some time to detox yourself.
Looking for serious relationship
You are already in or looking for a serious relationship. If that is the case, then you should definitely mind your business and concentrate on your new life. Sometimes, people start comparing their past relationship with the new one. It is perhaps one of the most futile activities to ever exist. Ideally, you should tackle each relationship as it is. But if you feel you are not strong enough to do that, then you must keep your relationship to yourself.
Depression when you mee your Ex
Feeling absolutely depressed whenever you meet your ex can be an alarming sign. A good friend is supposed to make you feel happy and confident about yourself and never depressed. But if you only get nothing but the flashback of a painful past, then it is better to leave all that behind.
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Friends with Your Ex Is Absolutely Impossible?
However, please don’t feel that, according to me, being a friend with your ex is absolutely impossible. It is absolutely possible if you have all the right signs in place. The problems I have mentioned above are very common with many people. But if you are able to overcome these problems, then things can be quite smooth for you. Needless to say, it is more mental than physical. So what are these signs about you?
Not just in words, but your mind is absolutely prepared to accept the consequence of falling out of this relationship. Like I have said before, it is more mental than physical. So, if your mind is ready to accept the end of a romantic relationship, you can restart the friendship once again.
Both of you must be on the same page
This is very important because it can only happen if both of you make the friendship work. If one of you is not feeling the same, then one might feel hurt, and the other will feel nothing at all. The lack of compassion in that scenario can be emotionally taxing to bear.
Accept the reason behind it happening
Both of you must accept the reason behind it happening. This is something that most couples fail to do so. This will not only create friction in your friendship but will also lead to many heated arguments. Now, who would want that? Hence, communication is vital here, and you must both be on the same page about the reason for breaking up.
Emotions and romantic feelings
Emotions and romantic feelings are way out of the equation now. This has to be there. One cannot create a friendship with a romantic relationship still hanging about. It will only make things worse, and the friendship can never bloom fully. We are not saying that one has to be completely emotionless to be friends with your ex, but if you constantly nurture the romanticism in between, then it will be very helpful.
Kind of vibe
It will have the same kind of vibe as you have with other friends. This is what we mean when we say that you have to get rid of romantic inclinations. You just have to have the same kind of feeling with your ex as you have with your other friends. If you don’t feel like being friends, then how can you be friends in the long term?
Time
In the ideal situation, you must be able to spend time with each other without having the feeling of being depressed, tense, and without the thought of getting intimate. Just imagine yourself with another friend of yours, and things will be easier for you to adapt mentally. Try to find the things you both love doing with each other. Some common activities will repair the relationship you have between you two. These common activities will keep others’ thoughts at bay as well.
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Separate Life & friends with your ex
You can easily be friends with your ex when you have a separate and independent life. If you have that, then you will never have problems about being dependent on each other to pass your life. Rather you can talk about what’s happening in your lives without having any qualms or being jealous.
Boundary of Emotion
The emotional boundary between you two is always respected. You will never feel too nostalgic even while visiting one of your favorite restaurants or the seaside where you might have spent a lot of time. Rather during the ideal situation, both of you will be able to maintain appropriate boundaries and easily manage nostalgic feelings. It is not wrong to have them, but you must be able to tackle them without falling fully into them.
Date with other people
Both of you are ready to date other people and have no qualms about sharing that fact with each other. During the ideal situation, you will both want the best for each other and can share the happy news among yourselves. Instead of feeling jealous or insecure, if you can share what’s happening with your respective lives, then you can have a great friendship ahead.
Situation if you have kid
Things can be a bit difficult if you have a kid together or in some way or the otherpresent in each other’s social or professional sphere. For this and you need to maintain some level of interaction with each other. If you don’t deal with it cautiously, then it can create huge friction between you two, and things can be quite problematic.
Good Friendship
Perhaps the best way to have a good friendship is to try and find something positive out of it. If you see that even after breaking up, your relationship is adding something positive to both of your lives, then friendship can last longer than you think. This can range from anything like maybe the companionship is something you still cherish or maybe you can still collaborate with your ex on many matters or simply because he/she has that practicality you lack and you can always consult each other.
Now, you must be wondering, Okay! Okay! We get the point, we know what you are saying, but it is not that easy.
Yes, I am not saying that it is very easy, especially because of the emotional conflict you are going to face. However, you can get over all that if you stay resolute. But we can help you with something else as well. Most of you might think that even after following or contemplating everything I have said above, this friendship with your ex may not work.
This is why we are going to help you with a few tips here:
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How to Establish Friendship with Your Ex?
Although the subheading reads as establishing a friendship with your ex but actually, the hardest part is retaining the friendship over the years. I mean, if the relationship between you two had not turned bitter, then no one would refuse a friendship. However, to carry that over the years is the real challenge. The below-mentioned tips will help you achieve that. Let’s take a look at them:
Time Heals Everything
Yeah, I know what you are thinking, that this is the most cliché line of the universe. But something becomes cliché only when it is used over and over again, and only truly genuine ideas can be used over and over again. Call it a Maxim or anything, but this is absolutely true, and it is especially true for relationships.
The only way to retain a friendship over the years is to have a good foundation in place. But that cannot happen overnight, especially if you have broken up with that person. However, time can heal a lot of wounds and help you recover from them. At the same time, it will help you get to terms with yourself as well with the breakup. This is why to have a sustaining relationship; you must never force yourself into this friendship when you’re not ready. It is always advisable to give yourself some space and a bit of me-time after the breakup. After that, when you are feeling ready, then you can approach each other. According to many relationship experts, one must have enough distance between the old relationships to the new friendship.
Try Not to Have any Emotional Connections Anymore
Are you someone very emotional? Well, in that case, things will be quite difficult for you because emotional people will tend to have more relationship residue in their hearts compared to others. Or shall I say, they will have a difficult time getting over their ex-lover? If you are one such person, then it will be better if you don’t try and reconnect with your ex as friends anytime soon.
No matter how you put it but the key to a happy friendship is truly getting over the love you had. A good thing to do in this case is to pay attention to your own feelings while he/she is around. The idea here is to understand the vibe; do you feel tensed, or do you feel natural? If you are still feeling the butterflies in your stomach, then my friend, you are still not over your lover. Many people still feel like getting intimate with their ex every time they meet. Well, if that is the case with you, then clearly, you are still in love with her.
Don’t Meet Them Too Frequently
This is another test for yourself to really understand if you are still attached to them or not. When you meet them too frequently, you will not be able to understand if you still miss them or not. Rather take some time alone to yourself and see if you are still longing to see them. If you are, then there’s not much to do but keep meeting your lover to a minimum.
Once you can get over this longing to meet them every day, you can try and establish contact once again. But till the time, try to focus on your own life more and your priorities.
Try to Understand Your Ex’s Feelings As Well
It’s not just about your own feelings in question here; it’s about your ex’s feelings as well. This is why you need to make sure he/she is giving you the right kind of vibe; otherwise, things can be quite complicated.
So, try and understand if you realize the right thing here or your ex is just pretending to be over you. If you consult professionals, then they might tell you that many people actually lie to their old partners or sometimes even to themselves about their true feelings about the breakup. Sometimes they are just trying to come to terms with it as they don’t want to be rushed into the process of moving on. Maybe you will find your ex to be resilient, or sometimes they can even lecture you about the importance of being emotionally honest with each other about where you two exactly are in the stages of the breakup. Regardless of this fact, all you need to do is understand the real deal and behave accordingly.
15 Things you should do to your Ex on Friendship
Regret about Breakup Decision
There are times when you say things out of the blue and your ex gets hurt and upset.
You’ll have an even harder time getting over your ex if you’re friends with him, especially if you communicate and hang out regularly.
Forgive your Ex
Holding grudges prevents you from being friends with someone. When your ex did something to make you angry, ask yourself whether you can forgive them in your heart.
You need to acknowledge the harm your ex caused you as well as how you feel about it. Feelings are okay, but you shouldn’t push them away rather than accept them. Then, try to view your ex when you are empathizing with them.
Time Heals Everything
If you want to maintain a close friendship with your ex after the breakup of your relationship, you should give yourselves time to heal. Some people take longer to heal than others, and it is important that you and your ex respect that within the couple. It doesn’t mean you and your ex will not become friends in the future just because you and your ex aren’t immediately best friends after the breakup. If your ex is not yet ready for a friendship, don’t force it. Additionally, this will prevent one person from having to put all their efforts into the project.
Create New Memories
Talking about your relationship once or twice is fine, but referring to it all the time could muddy the waters. Focus on having fun together now as a newly formed friendship, rather than reminiscing about fun times you two shared before.
As well as not dwelling on the bad memories, you should also try to move on from them. These may lead to resentment, and it may be difficult to stay friends with someone who has anger issues.
Hang out as a Group
Especially when meeting your ex for the first time, it can be scary. Your ex can join you and your buddies on your first night out after starting dating again. Maybe you could all get together if you have mutual friends and try out the activity together.
Rather than hanging out by yourself, make sure you meet up with mutual friends. You will feel uncomfortable hanging out alone, especially when it is your first time. With other friends nearby, you will have more people to fall back on in the event of an awkward moment. Whenever you find yourself alone, try to fill your time with things that will make you forget about being all lovey-dovey.
Respect
You treat all ex-wives and ex-partners with respect, dignity, and grace, regardless of how long you have been married to them or how long you have lived with them. The definition of a friendship with an ex-partner is different for everyone. But by remembering these three behaviors, you will be able to establish a lasting friendship with an ex. It will also serve as a solid foundation for future romantic relationships.
Insecurity
You may feel insecure and uncomfortable with your new partner if you’re friends with your ex. You will become extremely jealous and irrational when you find out your ex is dating other people and considering dating again. There is an inevitable feeling of being stuck in the past because history usually repeats itself.
Apologize
On the off chance that a bad breakup occurs, there will be hurt feelings on both ends. Acknowledging your part in the sour situation will make your friendship much more likely to succeed. Your ex should apologize to you next time you meet in person, or you can send an email or letter expressing your feelings. Even if your ex did something hurtful to you, they should also apologize. It’s not just you that should apologize. You are the one who will impact the most with your apology.
No to Uncomfortable Talking
It’s okay to say no to your ex if they’re crossing your boundaries. You can do something date-like, or you can hang out with them one-on-one. Tell them that you need to take a step back if anything feels strange or if you are uncomfortable talking with them. It is important; to be honest with your ex about how you are feeling.
Take it Slow
Spending lots of time together isn’t the best idea. Hanging out too soon could make old wounds resurface, and both of you will still require space for processing. You should try to space out the frequency of your contact and meetings at first.
Prepare For Arguments
Arguing was a common part of many ex-couples relationships. It is important to let the little things go so that a new friendship can blossom with your ex. It’s not necessary to worry about small arguments and tit-for-tat behaviors are not conducive to a healthy friendship. In case you’re becoming frustrated with your ex’s behavior, consider having some time apart and revisiting those boundaries you set so you’ll be able to appreciate the time you do spend together.
Rekindle Your Bond
Keeping in touch with your ex will provide you with this benefit. Whenever you two get together, you can do the things you used to do together as a couple, so long as they aren’t romantic. It’s easy to have fun when you are two. If you’re both into nature, you can go hiking together or talk about movies or TV shows.
Consider the reasons why you and your partner met in the first place. Even if you rekindle that friendship, you might develop a stronger bond than when you were in a previous relationship.
Behavior Nature of your Ex
Just because they broke up with you, the way they behave towards you as a friend won’t change if they were emotionally or physically abusive during the relationship.
When your ex stalks, harasses or threatens you, seek help from a domestic violence shelter. If necessary, you could also seek restraining orders through the courts.
Reason for Friendship with ex
Unfortunately, some breakups are one-sided. When you were heartbroken when your relationship ended, you need to figure out what makes being friends with your ex so special to you. When a relationship ends, it’s difficult to maintain a friendship with an ex you still have feelings for, but it can be even harder when you try to nurture that friendship.
Encourage your partner
If your ex starts dating someone else, you will have to accept that. Otherwise, encourage your ex to find a new partner, and be nice to the new partner if you want to remain friends with them. It may be best to take a step back from the relationship if you feel jealous or weird about your ex dating again so that you don’t get caught up in your feelings again.
Do & Don’ts do not while thinking about friendship with Ex
Do Ask Yourself
Although history has repeatedly proven this theory wrong, it won’t take long for you to feel convinced about another attempt at that relationship. Take the time to consider your decision before rushing into anything.
Do not Flirt
Your friendship can be ruined by something that seems innocent. Treat your ex as a friend when you’re together, and keep things strictly platonic. You do not touch them on the arm, don’t make any suggestions, and don’t compliment their physical appearance.
Even though you may think you will never flirt with your ex again, you may be pleasantly surprised. Even if your breakup happened not very long ago, it would be easy to fall into old habits.
Rather than hitting on them while you are trying to be friends, don’t turn the tables on each other. The result will undoubtedly be an injury to one or both of you, so there’s no point in continuing.
Do know about feelings of your partner
Perhaps you should reevaluate your relationship if your partner is uncomfortable. A significant other’s friendship with an ex may not be acceptable to everyone, and that’s okay. Your partner may set ground rules or prohibit you from seeing your ex. The importance of listening to your partner’s feelings and communicating that you are friends but do not feel anything toward them goes without saying.
Do not hide anything to your partner
It might seem strange to your new partners that you are still friends when you start dating again. Tell your partner that though you’re still friends with your ex, you have no feelings for them. Possibly mention that since your breakup, you have only kept things platonic, and you would never intentionally hurt your partner. Try to ease their concerns about the relationship by listening to their concerns.
Do not Give any Signals
Even if you’ve explicitly barred your ex from contacting you, they may still reach out to you. You may even receive flirtatious messages or indications that they still have an interest in you. It is not a good idea to respond to this. You are disrespecting your boundaries, as well as your healing process.
Exes may manipulate you to regain contact by flirting with you. Respond to their messages only if they say they want to reunite on terms that are agreeable to you, instead of responding to their messages unless they explicitly state they want to reunite.
Do not make your ex Jealous
Don’t treat them the way you would want to be treated, so do not do it to them. Don’t try to make your ex jealous by dating new people, falling in love, even eventually introducing your new one to your ex; but you should feel free to date new people and fall in love.
How to End Friendship with Your Ex?
Crossing Their Lines
Exes are often unable to become friends, and that’s fine. It’s okay to break up with your ex if you’re feeling for them or if they’re crossing your boundaries. You may consider no contact again after informing your ex of your break from your friendship.
Communication
It’s important to tell someone that you no longer want to be friends if you know that you don’t want them to be your friend. Just telling someone that you don’t want to be friends is enough. The person who was dumped is under no obligation to explain themselves if they were the dumped person.
- Short and sweet are the best ways to convey your message.
- Do not make promises or make offers for the future. There’s no reason to promise you’ll be friends again in the future, but it’s no use telling now. Doing so can make you stuck to that person and prevent you from moving forward.
- You say something like this if you were the initiator of the breakup. You can suggest resources that could help them if your ex hurts themselves or you. You provide them with the contact information of a grief counselor or counseling center.
Avoid Contacting Them
You may find this difficult, especially if you still haven’t felt closure or if you’re deeply hurt. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to contact an ex or looking for reasons to. To heal properly, you should keep all contact to a minimum until you have time to do so.
- You can help yourself by deleting their numbers from your phone. That way, they will not be able to contact you impulsively.
- Take some time to write in a journal instead if you contact them. It might be helpful to write them an imaginary letter or a letter that describes your feelings.
- Having this support will allow you to work through your feelings without having to communicate directly with them.
- Instead of getting in touch with your ex, talk to a friend and let them know how you’re feeling.
- Don’t go places where it is likely that you will run into them. Despite your routine, avoid the bars and coffee shops they frequent. You stay off the sidewalk that passes right by their home when you walk home.
Be Yourself
You may have more time now that the relationship is over to do things that you enjoy alone or with friends. You can take up hobbies you have neglected over the past few years. You might like to get together with an old friend and does something fun. You may want to take your parents on a vacation and forget about this relationship by getting their help. You might be able to exchange useful information about how you get over this relatively quickly.
Create your Boundaries
The simple statement that you do not want to be friends may not be enough. It is also important to establish your new boundaries. The distance between your lives will determine how fluid these boundaries will be. You need to establish boundaries and communicate with your ex about keeping them. In case your ex breaks the boundaries, you need to let them know what the consequences will be.
Be Ready for Dating
It may take a long time, depending on the length and seriousness of the relationship. When you are ready, don’t rush into relationships, but take steps to find a new relationship that’s right for you when you are.
- Finding people who are also looking for something similar can be easy with online dating apps. Your last relationship may have been long-term and serious & you are looking for short-term, casual dating right now.
- Dating apps are a great way to connect with others in similar situations. The web helps you identify people who are also looking for something serious if you ended your last relationship since you wanted marriage and a family. But your partner wasn’t ready to commit.
Benefits & Drawbacks of being friends with your Ex
Toxic Presence of your Ex
The two of you don’t need to be friends if you meet after the relationship ends & you cannot, at the very least, pretend to be friendly. If you’ve ended a relationship that doesn’t work, the best thing that can come of it is to move on. So enjoy the freedom that comes from tearing off the band-aid and the drama that goes along with it.
Learn From Past Relationship
It can be hard to come to terms with the end of a relationship when there is never any closure. Unfinished business makes it difficult to move on, and people unintentionally damage their new relationships by carrying unresolved resentments and anger into them. It can be rewarding to get closure if you can remain friends with an ex.
When we think that all new relationships will be heartache-filled or that the other party is untrustworthy, not only can it harm those relationships, but it can also damage our self-esteem. We don’t have to reach this point with our ex-partners, but it might be easier with their assistance. The last thing you need to do is reflect on the lessons learned from your experiences with them and how to apply them to your future endeavors.
Problems in new Relationship
Perhaps you are still friends with your former partner. The presence of your ex can be mature and healthy; however, the presence of your new partner may not be pleasant for everyone. You shouldn’t cut that relationship out of your life because it triggers someone else’s insecurities if you truly don’t have romantic feelings. It’s possible that you may not be willing to admit to yourself that you are keeping your ex around because you are unwilling to move forward with new relationships.
Too Close for Comfort
There may have been a measure of safety and closeness between you and your ex before your breakup. It can be confusing too long to be comforted by the person whose absence is causing your heartache if you have not given your separation enough time and distance. It’s probably better to seek comfort in safe places even if they don’t provide as much immediate pleasure if you’re missing them or hurting, and you want to be loved.
Gain Valuable Information
You might learn valuable insight from your ex if only to keep repeating the same relationship mistakes. You typically have access to this dynamic after you’ve both grown apart, separated, and grown as individuals, but your ex may be a goldmine of information. It would be beneficial to ask someone who has previously been on the receiving end how certain things made them feel so that you can improve communication.
Knows you better than anyone
You do not have to lose the person from your life if you were friends before the relationship and the relationship didn’t end horribly. You are likely to receive advice from this person that no one else could because they know you so well for such a long time.
Maturity
You have to be mature to be able to maintain a friendship with your ex-partner. The timing might have just been wrong or people just grow apart. Your mature acceptance of the fact that you weren’t meant to be together is commendable.
Is the Relationship Any Different?
This is undoubtedly a major point in the whole discourse. The relationship that you had and the relationship you are about to have must have some key difference; otherwise, it will never work, as you have planned. Instead of developing a good friendship, you will actually end up making the relationship even bitter. So, try not to make the mistake of making this new phase of relationship or friendship resemble the romantic interchange you had previously. Believe me or not but this will never work in the long run.
If you wish to make it ideal, then make sure your friendship is not at all identical to your former relationship. Both of you must work on it and have distinct differences in terms of dynamics in your current relationship. To put it simply, you must put some ground rules in place about how much intimacy you share and how much you will depend on each other. Because, just ask yourself, if your friendship resembles your previous relationship, so did you actually break up? Sounds ridiculous, right!
Make Sure There are No Labels
What I wish to say here is that every romantic relationship comes with a label of some kind. But if you are looking for friendship, then you must not be looking for any kind of label on this.
Your friendship should be unconditionally friendship, and you cannot have any kind of expectations that you would normally have from your lover. This must be the ground rule upon which you should tread.
Indulge Only as Much as You Feel Healthy
Always remember that the goal of being in a relationship is to feel good and nothing else. So, you must indulge only as much you feel healthy. You don’t have to indulge in any kind of friendship with your ex if it is causing you any kind of mental problems.
Try and see if anything positive has come to your life. You don’t have to go out of your way to do something for your ex to save your friendship. Friendship can never be built on favors. On the other hand, if you see that your ex is actually trying to pull you back into that same kind of orbit, then it is better to sever all ties and move ahead with your life. Just remember, there is nothing more important than your own sanity.
Respect Each Other’s Space and Privacy
Being friends with each other is fine, but one must always respect each other’s privacy. This is why many relationships don’t work in the first place, and they don’t work out even as friends. In this case, respecting each other’s decisions and privacy is very important. You cannot just the barge in there and ask who they are dating.
When this thing is not sorted, there is always a chance where one partner gets both become jealous. This is where respecting privacy and space will come into play. If you are not comfortable with your partner dating someone else, then you should not interfere with his/her life at all.
Just remember that in point of life, there is no shame to take a step back to avoid further complications. All you need to do is communicate your feelings and explain why you’d like to take a step back and figure out your life first. In the meantime, you can still fulfill the role of a friend by wishing your other half all the very best for the future and not interfering in his/her decisions. Space and privacy will not end the friendship but create scope to strengthen it in the future.
What Remains?
So there you have it, our thoughts on how you can stay friends with your ex. If you have faced something similar in life, then please let us know about your experience in the comment section.
Refer to our a few articles.
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