It’s an unfortunate aspect of life that nice individuals can suffer bad outcomes. Perhaps you experienced something awful as a youngster, or you did something you greatly regret. Even if you’ve moved on from it, it’s likely that it still affects you on some level. Whether you’re getting the support you need to deal with the trauma or just want someone to hold your hand through it, you’ll need to tell your significant other about it at some point. And, of course, it’s a terrifying prospect. Shame has a propensity to take control of our lives. We are afraid that if we reveal something bad from our past, our partner will reject us.
It’s always a good idea to think about who you’re going to share your deepest, darkest secrets to, as well as when to tell—and when to keep it to yourself. The issue with harboring secrets is that they are living things. We prefer to believe that our secrets may rest peacefully in our heads, as inactive as dirt, but we’re mistaken.
Hidden secrets aren’t just our creations; they’re living beings with their own wills. They develop. They multiply when we create new secrets to supplement the old ones. They even move, sometimes overwhelming our ride or die. But the most terrifying aspect of secrets is what they want: to be free.
The truth is always trying to break free, and keeping it hidden encourages solitude, obsession, addiction, and even utter psychic destruction. Random or ill-advised confessions, on the other hand, can be disastrous. Learning when, when, why, and to whom you should expose your secrets is the only way to achieve peace and balance.
Why Should We Confess Our Darkest Secrets?
The things we regret or are ashamed of (even if they weren’t our faults) are frequently the things we keep hidden from our partners because we’re afraid they’ll leave us if they find out. But, for a variety of reasons, it’s critical to open up about a traumatic event in your life.
- To begin with, keeping a secret is difficult and unpleasant.
- Secondly, it has the capability of destroying your relationship. “Once the secret is kept hidden, it becomes more difficult to reveal and, as a result, has greater ability to undermine the relationship,” she says. And if you’re not the only one who knows your secret, there’s a chance your partner will find out from someone else, which could lead to significant problems.
- Thirdly, your secret may be sabotaging your relationship. Whatever this dark secret is, it has contributed in your growth and molded you into the person you are today. How can someone truly accept you if they can’t accept your past?
- Finally, if your secret is something that could affect your partner in the future, such as an STD, he or she must be aware of it.
Also Read: Why Do Men Pull Away & Lose Interest?
Consequences to not Confiding Secrets
It is normal to feel compelled to confess at some point in your life. When you consider that our secrets are simply portions of our life stories, our personalities that have been pushed into hiding, the confession drive makes sense. We all have a deep psychological want to be accepted for whom we are, but this can never happen as long as there are portions of us that no one sees or knows about. We hide pieces of ourselves that we believe would cause rejection, yet the act of secrecy, ironically, renders us inaccessible to love. We believe we are concealing our secrets, but in reality, our secrets are concealing us.
Perhaps this is why our bodies rebel when we lie or conceal the truth: Blood pressure, sweat, blinking rates, and breathing rates all rise as a result of stress, while immunological function falls. In dreams, Freudian slips, and the occasional drunken blurt, our subconscious mind joins the fight against secrecy; we find ourselves telling the truth. We feel more alienated from our own bodies and lives the more private we are.
Research based on addiction showcased that the majority of the addicts were attempting to alleviate the psychological isolation caused by dark secrets. Ironically, one of thmost effective actions they could take to connect with people, experience loving and acceptance, and ultimately heal was to reveal their secrets.
What are You Supposed to Do?
There are a lot of things that don’t need to be revealed; things that are just personal, not secret. All you have to do is reveal secrets that limit your ability to live a genuine life. You could have inherited these dark secrets from a broken home, breached a moral code, or been the victim of something—rape, fraudulent transactions, AIDS—that caused shame and hiding. If you identify with any of the following statements, it is advisable to confess.
- I’m keeping something hidden to protect someone—possibly myself—from the natural repercussions of my damaging actions (like alcoholism, abuse).
- My secret makes me feel ashamed all of the time.
- I keep the truth hidden because telling it would enrage someone.
- I wouldn’t want to be associated with somebody who knows my secret.
- Anyone who discovers this truth will almost certainly reject me.
- My secret is so horrible that I can’t bear thinking about it, let alone discussing it.
- This secret causes me to withdraw from individuals I wish to love and trust.
- I’d rather end a relationship than reveal my secret to another individual.
- I’m acting in a way that goes against my moral code.
Also Read: How to tell love from a crush
How do You go about Confessing?
It just so happens that the first person you must admit to is yourself. Why not give it a shot right now? Recognize the hidden things you’ve done or that have been done to you. Use the real words instead of euphemisms: infidelity, thieving, child abuse, and so on. Calling something by its true name is the only way to take control over it, according to traditional cultures. The first step toward reclaiming the power your dark secret has taken from your life is to name it in your head.
Everyone has things they’d like to keep hidden, and it’s only human to make mistakes that you’ll later regret. But, in most cases, it’s best to own up to your secret because it’s a part of you. People believe they can keep their secrets hidden and have no remorse. You will become a compulsive liar as a result of this mentality, and you will make more mistakes. Fear of rejection or hurting the other person is one of the key reasons why we don’t disclose and hide things. However, honesty always works, and asking for forgiveness and making amends for what you’ve done will only make you feel better and lighter.
One of the most difficult but freeing things you’ll ever do is take the next step. You must tell at least one other person your entire truth. You could begin by speaking with a therapist, a religious advisor, or a 12-step group. These people are more likely to respond calmly than people who are immediately influenced by your activities. Finding even one person who does not flee screaming when you reveal your secret will go a long way toward making you feel relief, confident, and strong. That’s a good thing because the next phase is much more terrifying.
If you want to create a deep emotional bond with someone, you must reveal your dark secrets to them. Scores of people have had love relationships end because one or both partners held secrets from the other. Breaking news: You’ll never feel truly connected to someone with whom you’re storing sensitive information. Secrets suffocate close relationships.
Other things to keep in mind for a confession
Do it in a quiet, secluded, private area.
You must choose the right location while you disclose important information. For one you don’t want others listening in, you cannot predict your partner or your reaction after the confession so it’s best to select a place where you can easily freely express yourself. Your confession also depends on what your secret is and who you’re confiding to.
If you have done something wrong to someone, you should speak with them privately. Because it’s just the two of you, it should be sorted that way as well. In circumstances like this, no third opinion should be sought and if an apology of any sort is required, you must be sure to do so.
It’s best to get everything out when you can and give the other person time to process everything. Do not be hasty toward them; they will need time to accept your flaws, pasts, or inner demons. Ensure you choose the right location and timing. Do not try to convey your secrets when the other person is busy, ensure you both have your schedules open; also make sure it is a time your partner can pay attention to you.
Do not choose sometime after work when they are bogged down, stressed, or tired after a hard days work. It is preferable to speak up during a holiday where you and the other person are free to sort things out together.
Maintain a humble attitude
Make sure you’re humble when you admit to the truth. You cannot appear to be doing a favor by confessing your error. You must give the impression that you are sincere in your confession. Do not exaggerate, do not hide things, and do not make excuses for what happened or what you did.
It is best to be completely truthful in one shot if you keep things hidden or slowly reveal more to your previous confession without having informed your partner that there is more to the previous confession. You may make them worry unnecessarily so let out all your worries and do inform them before you have something serious to talk about.
Do not suddenly subject them to a heavy secret; keep them informed so they can prepare their heart for any shocking news.
Solicit forgiveness
It’s a good thing to admit when you’ve made a mistake. However, if you ask for forgiveness, you will have a significant impact. You must express your regret for what you have done and that you should not have done it. This will have a completely different effect.
This is an important step if your confession has harmed or hurt someone like infidelity, abuse, etc. Whether you are forgiven or not for what you’ve done, it is important that you lay the facts out bare and show the other person you have recognized your mistake and are willing to change for the better.
Inquire as to what should be done next
Now that you’ve forgiven or determined whether or not the other person has forgiven you, you’ll need to figure out what to do next. Ascertain that the person in question is satisfied with everything and that you may proceed as usual.
You need to be able to answer all their questions and give them their own space and time away to let the situation sink in. So, have a conversation about it and find out what the person wants to do next. This will also demonstrate that you care about the relationship, which is a smart approach.
Make sure you don’t make the same mistake repeatedly
Once you’ve apologized for hurting someone and made amends, make sure you don’t hurt them again. You must alter your behavior and avoid repeating what you have already done. Whatever your secret is if you are the perpetrator, your confession doesn’t end with stating facts and receiving forgiveness.
You must promise and endeavor to change especially if you are the bad guy here. You must show change from a bad habit or else you are no different from what you were before you confessed ad after you confessed.
The act of a confession is done for many reasons and one of the results of this act is growth and betterment as an individual this happens only when you have been true to yourself and are ready to work towards self-betterment.
If necessary, explain
Explain if you feel compelled to do so. Tell him or her what prompted you to do it or to be so cruel. An explanation shifts the other person’s perspective, and comprehension grows as a result. Remember you are explaining your actions and thoughts not making excuses for your acts in front of the other person.
By explaining you are hoping to achieve a better understanding from your partner. This will bring you close to the other person as you slowly bring down your walls and show them a secret part of you that exists.
Food for thought
Can you be blackmailed? In other words, once you’ve told yourself and your loved ones the truth, is there anyone or any group you’re still afraid will find out your secret? If that’s the case, you’re not done yet. To truly be free, you must be at ease with the concept of anyone or any organization knowing everything there is to know about your life.
That doesn’t mean you have to tell everyone everything, but you must be able to deal with the possibility of them learning your secret. Otherwise, doubt will hound you, and your attempts to control what others know will rule you.
Do nothing to be ashamed of yourself, there are some things we can’t control, but this doesn’t mean we must hate ourselves for who we are. The faster we accept ourselves and move on, we will be at ease.
When is it appropriate to admit the truth?
So, when are you going to have The Talk? There isn’t a specific timeline, but it depends a lot on where you are in the relationship. A first date is unsuitable, but if you’re debating whether or not to share, it’s time to have a conversation.
You can feel conflicted, your heart fluttering like a nervous moth as the desire to make genuine connection clashes with your dread of being exposed. At times like these, trust triumphs over fear. Your instincts, far wiser than any set of rules I could concoct, are telling you to take a chance.
If you fight, the psychological equivalent of long-term sickness will set in, making you increasingly wretched until the anguish of concealing the truth outweighs the misery of barfing it up. You’re approaching this stage, when:
- You perceive a deep distance between you and the people you love
- As you withdraw from or avoid expressing the truth, your sentiments for significant persons have deflated.
- Your secret feels like a real weight dragging you down.
- When you think about your secret, you’re filled with rage
- or helplessness.
- The secret follows you around, penetrating your thoughts and spoiling your pleasure.
- You quarrel about nearly anything, resulting in unresolved problems (since you aren’t tackling the genuine issue).
- You talk around the thing that’s troubling you without admitting it
- While lying to your loved ones, you find yourself admitting to strangers (bartenders, new acquaintances, coworkers).
You may find yourself revealing improper things to inappropriate individuals at inappropriate times if you’re experiencing these symptoms. We’ve all encountered members of the Too Much Information Club, who casually discuss their marital struggles and other private issues at cocktail parties.
Fighting to keep secrets that need to be revealed often results in ill-timed revelations that are unsatisfying at best and humiliating at worst. Avoiding this destructive behavior is as simple as listening to your heart.
It’s best to let your partner know that you’re about to have a conversation. Tell them you want them to know more about some of the difficult things you’ve gone through and how they’ve shaped you into the person you are today(but save the details for later), instead of letting their imagination run wild and making them worry if this is a breakup call with them.
It is important to be as direct and to the point as possible during the presentation. It’s also critical that you remain calm in the face of any reaction. As being silent while your companion digests what you’ve said can be challenging, it’s one of the most mature and polite things you can do.
Allowing them to understand the circumstances and what you gained from the experience can go a long way toward allowing them to accept and accept your secret. It’s also vital to avoid making excuses or downplaying the incident. Be willing to talk to your partner about it again once you’ve opened up.
“Resist the desire to push, or you might push them out the door.”
Conclusion
There is a widespread belief that secrets are dangerous. And it’s a good rule of thumb, to be honest with the people you care about, such as your spouse, children, or closest friend, because secrets get in the way of true closeness. However, there are a variety of reasons why coming clean might sometimes cause more harm than good.
Confessions are a dangerous thing to do. If you claim your entire identity and disclose your entire experience, some people may reject you. However, losing these people explicitly is no worse than keeping them—sort of—at the expense of your integrity. Furthermore, there are likely significantly fewer of them than you believe. Love is not blind, contrary to common assumptions. It has extremely keen eyesight and the majority of those who adore you aren’t fooled by your disguises. They are frustrated by their inability to connect when you keep things from them. Everyone will benefit if you let the people you care about love you for who you are.
Perhaps our secrets are reluctant to be exposed because they know that confession has the power to transform dark secrets into the light. It has the power to transform our most heinous errors or tragedies into beacons of hope for others. You want someone who has been in your shoes and survived. That’s why a confession made only to shed light on the dark corners of your own life could wind up illuminating the path to liberation for a thousand other souls. Hence, we have learned the basics on How to Confess the Darkest Truth to Your Partner!
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