Let’s learn What Are the Different Attachment Styles, Their Roles in Adult Relationships, and How They Affect You?
“We do not know,
How far the ripples of our relationship can go…”
Are you attached to someone? Well, we all are in our own way. But did you know that this difference of attachment has an even deeper effect on our relationship during adult life?
Well, it is a valid thing, and there is more than one expert ready to validate this claim. If you were not really aware of this whole idea, then this post is here to tell you all about that.
But I know there is a question brewing in your head.
Why is It so Necessary to Think about Attachment Styles?
Well, to understand how attachment styles can affect your relationships during adult life, you need to have a firm understanding of the concept of attachment. This is why we will start discussing the definition of attachment.
So, What is Attachment?
Attachment can be defined as a bond or an emotional connection we all form during our infancy with the person acting as our primary caregiver. In most cases, this primary caregiver turns out to be our mother. But is that all? Well, according to many experts of attachment theory, it goes on a bit further than that.
According to them, it is the quality of the attachment that is vital as well. Because it is this experienced quality right at our infancy that determines our ability to relate to other people around us as we grow up, interestingly, this effect stays with us throughout our life whenever we deal with or respond to intimacy.
And So,
The rest of it, I think you can guess from your own experience with your mother or caregiver. If a child has always felt safe around the caregiver, then it can automatically leave a great impact on the child in later life as well. As an infant, all we long for are to be understood and someone always there to respond to our cries.
Basically, we long for a safe house, a shelter where all our changing physical and emotional needs are met or catered. If something like this ideal scenario happens with the child, then the infant is very likely to develop a successful and secure attachment.
But this leads to even better results because as the child grows up, he/she will be very much self-confident, trustworthy, and hopeful. They will be very good at managing situations no matter how tense they are and also will have the ability to avoid conflict in the healthiest way possible.
Thanks to this understanding and great emotional maturity, they can easily navigate the ups and downs of their later romantic relationships.
Also Read: Love vs Infatuation
But if…
A child has experienced a somewhat frightening or confusing emotional connection with their primary caregiver; then it can have some adverse effects on the child as well in his or her later life. The reason behind such a state can be multiple, like the caregiver or the mother somehow failed to consistently provide an emotional connection with the child.
Maybe the child was not really comforted the way he/she wanted to. I mean, every child is different, so their needs will be different as well. In such a scenario, as per the experts, the child has experienced an unsuccessful or insecure attachment.
It is seen that many infants experiencing such a bond go on to become an adult with difficulty in understanding and validating their own emotions, let alone the feeling of others around them. Due to this problem, they often face challenges in building or maintaining a stable relationship with someone they love and adore.
Most of such adults will complain about not being able to make friends or connect to others easily. They would typically shy away from any kind of intimacy, or worse; they can become super clingy, fearful, and feel insecure about the relationship.
So, you can understand how the dynamics of our character can change based on the emotional bond we have experienced in our childhood.
Now, let’s dive a bit deeper into how the different styles of attachment affect our relationships.
Also Read: My Boyfriend Doesn’s Respect Me
How Many Attachment Styles are There and How They Shape Our Adult Life?
But before we get into the different types of attachments, let’s first understand how to define any attachment style. Basically, these styles are characterized by the kind of behavior your showcase every time you feel the relationship is under some kind of threat. Like, if you are someone who can be placed in the secure attachment style category, then most of the time, these people will tend to express their feelings without any hesitation. Plus, when things go really south, they won’t waste time and seek some assistance from their friends.
The same kind of approach is taken when they have any kind of relationship-related problems. But in the case of the people falling under the insecure attachment style category, things are a bit different. They would become even more needy or clingy to their closest peers or partners. They can even go to the point of becoming quite selfish or even, at times, manipulative to hide or overcome their vulnerability. But most of the time, they will just shy away from any kind of intimacy altogether.
To avoid all such scenarios, you need to have a clear understanding of the various attachment style and how it shapes and influences your intimate relationships in adult life. When you have this knowledge with you will be able to make better sense of your own behavior. It can also help you to better perceive your partner and also educate you to respond better to intimacy. Hence, identifying these patterns will play a major role in clarifying what exactly you need out of a relationship and also figuring out the best ways to overcome all kinds of problems.
Now, it is true that these attachment styles are mostly formed due to the experience you have had with your infant-primary caregiver connection, especially during the initial years of your life, but there is something more to it. We must also take into account that the strength of any attachment is just based solely on the experience you received or the kind of parental love and care you have had. Remember that the attachment formed out of nonverbal emotional communication is also quite strong, and it can have lasting effects as well throughout their life.
So, what are these different types of attachment seen?
The Different Types of Attachment
According to experts, attachment styles can be divided into four categories based on the expressions and behavior we get. Let’s look at them one by one.
Also Read: Guy Stops Talking to you
Attachment Styles#1 Secure Attachment
The first one is, of course, the secure attachment, and it is considered as the best or the ideal kind of attachment. People belonging to this category will often be quite satisfied with the things they have in their relationships. This confidence again comes from the experiences they had in their infancy. When they were just children, their caregiver managed to form a secure attachment with him/her, and the child saw the parents as a perfectly secure base from which they could start their journey.
With this very confidence, they head out and get the confidence to independently explore the world. Plus, when they become an adult, they can develop a similar kind of relationship along with their romantic partner. Even with that relationship, they feel secure and well-connected as they allow their partner to explore the relationship freely.
They can also be quite compassionate and will always support their partner every time they feel depressed. But they count on their partners as well, and they would often try and find comfort in them when trouble seems to occur. They always prefer an honest, open, and equal relationship. Since they prefer independence, they offer the same to their partner as well.
Who two people are coming from securely attached categories become a couple; they will never rely on what many experts define as a “Fantasy Bond”. It is basically a kind of illusion of bond that leads to a very wrong sense of safety. If you indulge in a fantasy bond, then you might just give up on real acts of love for something more of a routine relationship which is an emotionally cut-off form of relating.
Also Read: How to tackle relationship issues
Attachment Styles#2 Anxious Preoccupied Attachment
This is the second kind of attachment, but unlike the first or the secured one, people belonging to this category will have an anxious kind of attachment, and they often tend to be quite desperate to have something ideal like a fantasy bond. They would rather not choose real love or trust toward their partner, but they will always be quite emotionally hungry.
Another quite disturbing fact is that they would often try and compete with their partner, but the way they would present is like they are rescuing or completing them in the relationship. Deep inside, they are always looking for a certain sense of safety and security, and that’s why they often cling to their partner. So, instead of promoting love, they actually end up doing things that push their partner away.
But people from this anxiously attached category sometimes tend to act desperate or insecure, and you can see this trait quite often in them. These expressions often showcase the fear that they have inside. Another reason for them to become too clingy is that they often become quite unsure of their partner’s feelings and thus claiming the relationship is unsafe for them.
They can also turn out to be quite possessive toward their partner. Independence or independent actions are often misinterpreted with them, like if you start hanging out with your friends more, then he/she might say that you don’t love them anymore. Plus, they might even justify their actions based on what you have done.
Also read: 201 First Date Questions
Attachment Styles#3 Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment
This is the third category, and it is characterized by a special tendency. People belonging to this category will often try to distance themselves from their partners emotionally. They may even ask you to give them some isolation because in that they feel kind of feel “pseudo-independent.” Sometimes they will also talk about how they are planning on parenting themselves. You may find them coming across as someone who is quite focused on themselves and can even push the limits to create their own comfort zone.
But in reality, this pseudo-independence is nothing but an illusion because since we are human beings, we need connections to survive, and that’s how it is. But people belonging to the dismissive-avoidant attachment category will prefer to lead a kind of inward life where they feel like denying the importance of both loved ones and partner, and thus detachment feels easy for them.
You will feel that they are trying hard to defend themselves psychologically and also practice the ability to shut down emotionally. Even if you put them in any kind of tense situation, they can still manage to turn off their feelings and not give you any kind of reaction. Like, if you get very frustrated with them and just tell him/her that you are leaving, they might just give you a blank expression or even roll their eyes.
Also Read: Are you emotionally needy?
Attachment Styles#4 Fearful-Avoidant Attachment
This is the last category we have, and here the trait is a bit different again. Basically, a person belonging to the fearful-avoidant attachment is always in an ambivalent state. Due to this stage, they are constantly torn as if they wish to be part of some relationship or they shouldn’t.
Even when they are a part of some relationship, the next thing that bothers them is that they should be too close too distant from others. Initially, they try to keep their feelings at bay, but they often fail to do so.
Basically, they fail to avoid the anxiety they have inside, and that’s why they try to run away from their feelings. Let alone what others think about them, they are primarily overwhelmed by their own reactions and the emotional storms that they go through. Sometimes, you may find them quite mixed up and unpredictable when it comes to their moods.
For them, the philosophy behind going into a relationship is quite simple; they think of it as something like a working model. They would only indulge to the point to get their needs met, but they will not go any further because they think if they close, they will get hurt.
So, in a twisted way, the person they are in love with is the same person they feel like running off from. So, for that, they often fail to even get the basics right about how to get the relationship organized in the first place. Most of the time, they are clueless in these cases.
During their adult lives, they often find themselves in tricky situations, and most of their relationships turn out to be quite dramatic, where they experience frequent highs and lows. Like, others also, they really have a fear of being abandoned, but they don’t know how to be intimate in the relationship. Since they are clueless, they try out many things, and one of them is becoming very clingy when they feel rejected.
But just when they are feeling close, they also feel that they are trapped. Most of the time, you will see the lack of timing between them and their partner. It is also seen that sometimes a person belonging to the fearful-avoidant attachment category can even become a part of an abusive relationship.
Also Read: How to be more romantic in a relationship
What’s the Solution?
Now, I know what you must be thinking. After reading the above discussion, you must be thinking that it is the worst thing to happen, belonging in the other three categories, apart from the first, isn’t it?
Well, that is not the case actually; even if you can relate your traits with any of the last three categories, you can still have a chance to make your life better. This is, as you can see, a mental state, and I am sure that you have seen many people in your life having similar traits as mentioned here.
But you never realized them up until today because you were not aware of these categories. However, just like with every kind of mental state, there is a solution; people belonging to the last three categories are not exceptions either.
There are ways to fix these traits if they are causing serious troubles in your personal life. After all, with the kind of mindset portrayed above, it is clear that your personal life will face any kind of turmoil. But here are some ways in which you can make a difference in your life.
Let’s get started.
Understanding Category
Understanding which category you belong to. This is the first and the foremost step of the process. If you can’t figure out the name of your disease, then you can never be able to find out the cure either. So, first, try and understand which category you belong to and then match the traits with your life. Sometimes, it can be difficult since you may have a combination of two categories. In that case, you need to isolate the traits which are causing you major problems. Sometimes, you can also consult this with your partner as he/she will know better being at the receiving end.
Non-verbal communication skills
Work on your non-verbal communication skills. This is a very important thing if you wish to make your communication stronger with your partner or someone new. As we have mentioned earlier, it is just like your time during infancy. During that time also, you had used non-verbal communication skills with your caregiver since you couldn’t speak. But now, apart from speaking, you need to keep an eye on her gestures, eye contact, and body movement as well. They will reveal a lot about the vibe they are getting from you. After all, if the vibe matches, then the relationship is bound to get strong.
Find People
Find people who belong to the securely attached category. Sometimes, you cannot grow or make yourself better alone. Sometimes, you need to have someone in your life to help you get better at something. So, if you wish that your relationship makes your life better, then try and find a person who matches all the traits of the securely attached category. Thanks to their emotional stability and independence, you will get a new perspective about loving someone. They are proven to be some of the best partners to have, so your relationship will surely be a happy one.
Emotional intelligence
Have better emotional intelligence. This is not just for a relationship but for life in general. When you have good emotional intelligence, then it can help you become much more compassionate towards others and feel them better. It will make you a balanced person in every sense of the word, and you will be able to handle situations better. All the people belonging to the first category have a great amount of emotional intelligence in them. This is what makes them such a great partner to be with thorough life. Boosting your EQ will help you become one of them easily.
Resolution
Resolve any unsolved or bitter feelings of your childhood. Like we have said before, all of this starts with your childhood and the treatment you have received during that phase of your life. If you had some bitter experiences during this phase, then surely it can affect your future. So, ideally, if you just resolve some of these issues with your parents, then the shadow which may have been there over your mind unknowingly will be lifted off, and you will have a better understanding of love and affection. So, try and reach out to your parents to resolve any such issue. You will immediately see the difference.
What Remains?
So, these are the things you need to know about the different attachment styles we have and how they affect your adult life. If you have any such personal experience, then do feel free to share that with us in the comments section.
Best of luck!
Refer to our a few articles.
Reference Articles
